My Testimony

If you want to change the world, go home and love your family..

Whitney Houston said it best “How will I know if he really loves me..”

Have you ever thought, “Why was I born into this family?”

or “Why can’t I figure this love thing out?”

Have you gotten a simple response of…

“You need to choose better”

And have you thought, “thank you Captain Obvious, but you just don’t get it! Its not that simple!”

When hurt people say “you just don’t get it”
Don’t let that be a bad thing.
That is a good thing. A good thing for us all.
You are proof that a person doesn’t have to “get” stuck in hurt

What they really mean is “I don’t know how” “help me”

“Well.. By choosing someone who will better you.”

How do I know if its love though?

“You’ll just know”

…..blank stare…..

Whitney Houston made a #1 hit song about this literal question. Surly this can’t just be a Whitney mystery..

Google tells us, “Love is an intense feeling of deep affect”… okay
“Love is a great interest or pleasure in something”… yep
“Love is a deep romantic or sexual attachment”… right, this I know, so why is it that when I fall in love I get hurt. I already thought “I just knew” but it didn’t work out?

I have been in these exact three definitions of love that google just confirmed that; Yes, Whitney it was love.

But then when my plans went up in smoke, I did what every person at rockbottom does. I prayed to

God. And God IS love. ..okay sure but when does this faith thing kick in? How will I know if he’s really listening?

“Trust God”
Now wait, lets really think about this..

I don’t want to be the jerk here but uhh.. I think it was God’s idea to place me in this dysfunctional family in the first place so how can I trust him when honestly I feel like he gave me an unfair disadvantage.

“Because He loves you”

But this doesn’t feel like love. Plus I still have a lot of questions about God..
But church does always sound good, so.. “God help me understand” “Talk to me” “Shine some light because if it is that simple.. then maybe..”

..When you don’t come from a strong home then how are you suppose to know exactly how to build one? Chances are you find someone else who you can relate to, who is just as confused, looking down the same wrong aisle as you. Why? Because some children are placed on the fast track. They get to choose to take the playbook right out of their parents hands.. but maybe they choose not too. But why wouldn’t they? Either way, they are still faced with the same question, take or leave it?

Or like me, you have to searching for that playbook so that you can finally be the first! But maybe you’re too tired of the storm, you’re desperate for any kind of shelter at this point. You just want happiness. To be sheltered. So you just start building with what looks and feels good instead of what is good. And you hope it withstands but if not.. you can just start again. After all.. thats what your family did.

This search for love is so hard to understand and find, yet its so simple and actually everywhere.

Because no matter what family you’re born into, you before anything else, are a Child of God.
And that is all you need to survive the storm.
And not only to survive but to live and not only to live but to love and be loved in return. Unconditionally.

“Okay then what is God’s definition of love, if He is love?”

Well lets open The Bible…

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

But thats nothing like google’s definitions? And God’s definition does sound like the foundation to withstanding the storm.

Okay I’m going to trust now! But I’m still tired Lord..

And then I was asked, ‘Whitney what is the most important thing in your life? No matter what, as long as you had ________ at the end of the day, you will be okay”

Without hesitation I said “my family.

‘So now tell me what happens if you lost your whole family?’

“I would have nothing to really live for”

Because your purpose for life is wrong. The purpose of life is not to just live your best life. Yes, He can give you a marriage, and children, and time. But He can’t promise your spouse won’t walk out on your marriage. And he can’t promise your child will outlive you. And he cant promise you wont lose your job.

We can’t only believe, pray, and drift. We have to do His work.
That is your purpose of life.
To do God’s work.
And he gives us every instruction on how to do this and how to receive peace in return. That is the break you are asking for.

With all the luxuries that surround us, we can easily drifting through faith, unconsciously receiving peace from our earthly families, friends, careers, money, entertainment, social media etc. We have all these things yet we are in a state of desperation.

Every single last one of us.. Male and Female. Of all ethnicities. In all places, running around trying to fix it our way.. desperate, tired of the hurt, just wanting some shelter, asking these same simple, yet mind-blowing questions.

What are we doing here.
Don’t throw me into this game of life and not even give me a jersey on your team Lord! And definitely don’t judge me!

It took years of abuse, wrong choices, and desperation for me to finally give up. I wholeheartedly believed I had no idea how to fix it myself.

So I quickly reached again. But this time I finally choose better. I just knew. 

I was baptized.

Now I can look back and see when I was praying to God to spend me love, He wasn’t ignoring my prayers. He answered them. And His timing was prefect. My second love first walked into my life right before I made the biggest, most selfish decision of my life. He was every definition of love, standing right in front of my face. Waiting patiently, keeping no score of my wrong, being kind, trying to make me better, getting so little in return and ultimately being rejected. I was part of my own problem then.

Because I still chose to marry my first love, darnit him and I were invested! Equally confused, equally in search of the answers, equally self seeking but who’s perfect? We could make it right, right? ..But eventually lost my patience with him. And I lost my love for him.

I wasn’t understanding at the time that I was falling out of love because real love just stood in front of my face asking for a chance! But what I got was a house that didn’t withstand the final storm I had created.

So again.. I ran. And once again, love found me. And it didn’t just find me, it stopped me dead in my tracks, smoke still on the pavement, with my mind still racing trying to figure out how I’m going to survive this.

I needed time but I also needed shelter. I needed a break! And just like that, I was in another self seeking relationship. But this time his love for me turned into everything love was not. My true motives were shown so I don’t blame him. I was not in love with him, yet..

So there I was in life, searching for love but ruining it as soon as it came to me. But the more I grew in my faith and the more I understood God’s love, it was clear to me. I was on a new plan. A plan I still don’t know because it isn’t mine. And for the first time in my life I am all in. I am loved. I know what I’m looking for. And I know how to love back.

I might never find my other half, and I might not become the mother I want to be. I might not make a name for myself, buy a bigger house or travel the world. But I’m okay with that.

I will still chase after what I want, but if I am faced with a choice, between God’s way or my way, then I will still choose God’s way. Even if that means never getting what I think, I want.
Because I know as long as I have __HIM__, I can survive anything.

So to the ones that have strayed.

Please believe you are a creation of God. Saved from the darkness of this world. By the light of the Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Who died on the cross and rose from the dead. So that you could simply love and be loved.

There is no search. Just a simple choice through better and worse. Sickness and health. Because weren’t promised a life without pain, but we were promised His love, peace and shelter. So if you want to change the world, go home and love your family… God’s way.

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